gone, going.... gone...

A sunny, blustery afternoon...somewhat Simon and Garfunklesque... cold, brilliant and with only an ink-stained impression of warmth. The type of day that demands disorder, papers flying, hair in abandon, comandeering any sense of neatness and overall human control. As I walk back and forth between classes in my dissheveled state (it is not the day to bother with hair pins and hats) the wind is fierce and so invigorating that I don't care that I'm late... I need to fill my lungs with air (even if it is toxic Brooklyn waste). .... still, despite how far you venture into the life of the rolling stone, the well-lived life is not without discipline. Audrey Hepburn once said that "we are nothing without discipline." True that... What is discipline if not the ultimate expression of self-empowerment? Despite this, most people are under the misconception that disciplined folk are anal retentive, tunnel-minded, saggy old men. Certainly open-mindedness, expansive thinking and flexibility are not the traits that readily synonmous with discipline, even though they define the term best. The ultimate manifestation of disciplined life is the capacity to be self-oriented enough to reevaluate objectives, circumstances and even the Self if so necessary.

The truly disciplined life is not lived casually, is not without constant examination and awareness. It's a struggle to differentiate discipline from habitual behavior. It's a faded border. To a certain degree one can make a life- habit out of discipline, but one should never discipline themselves into a set habit, outlook or perspective (thus enter the anal-retentive men). Most of us define discipline in terms of habit. It is our sense of order, our mental neatness, the sock drawer of our ancharistic thoughts, our precarious grip on reality and our uncertain existence. Do we discipline ourselves under the illusion that we are in control? Do we discipline ourselves into habits as a means to control both action and reaction?

I believe that despite naive idealism there comes a morning that dawns with the great realization...suddenly we do not have control (hallelujah. isn't that liberating?). it is the morning you arise stripped of your youthful omnipotence, free from the illusion of knowing and controlling everything that will and will not happen to you. I've walked along that line of consciousness many a time... control is not discipline/ discipline is not habit... hmm... you can control reaction, but the action itself occurs independent of the participant. Because we cannot control circumstance, we are left with the task of solely disciplining The Experience, expanding our own empirical reference base. We can only discipline our own consciousness. Beyond the Self the world is mysterious and dark, and it is not without reason that the only path of discovery lies with untangling the complexity of the Self.... remarkable that life cannot be disciplined but you can somehow lead a disciplined life.

No, I don't believe that fate is destined. I believe that we carve our own destiny from the circumstances we have been presented with. Discipline is comanding your own self-respect. It is the only true way to believe in yourself...your work...your purpose.... by being aware of your own capacity to regulate your life...by making choices that change who you are what you will become, and most importantly by realizing that there is true discipline in being a risk-taker and seizing every opportunity that comes your way...

"Going up that river was like traveling back to the earliest beginnings of the world, when vegetation rioted on the earth and the big trees were kings. An empty stream, a great silence, an impenetrable forest. The air was warm, thick, heavy, sluggish. There was no joy in the brilliance of sunshine...You lost your way on that river as you would in a desert...till you thought yourself bewitched and cut off forever from everything you have known once- somewhere- far away- in another existence perhaps."

Not sure why this thought came to mind...maybe because its Monday....damn. i'm late.