to be honest- i wasn't planning on writing anything tonight... but it is 1:30am again, and i got this nice steaming mug of oolang tea...it's quiet [this house has been pretty cookooey]. it's still [no peoples underfoot]. everything just suspends for a few hours. i was watching the kinus on the internet for a bit. feels a little surreal. actually i'll be honest, it feels very surreal. as of late, i find this whole weekend just a tad overwhelming....not too long ago i was one of those people scurrying on the stage organizing kids in choirs...participating in dances in the production [until that unfortunate incident involving pneumonia and a wardrobe malfunction ;) rose i'm sure you'll recall that ;)] i recognize some of the faces, my, my people are growing up real fast [i suddenly do feel a little old]. some of those new shluchos are married classmates, some of those new counselors are former campers, kids i spent three nights making random ice cream parties with and cheering how proud we are that they are who they are...man... feels like eons ago...well the times they are a'changing... or at least i am a'changing [thank gd i suppose, we need to allow ourselve to become what we are meant to be].... still, i don't think think the kinus vs. my current predicament defines me one way or another...truthfully, i don't think people it is a simple process to categorize an individual as either a "conformist" or a "non-conformist" [i'm talking those that remain amongst us]... those that are truly genuine integrate as much as they can, we were all meant to become something else...to remain conscious and incorporate chassidus wherever our lives may lead... i disagree with what was written on some other blogs. Chabad has bred the original Non-Conformist. Tanya is nothing if not the Manifesto of Divine Revolution. Essenitally, the Shliach is nothing if not the Anti-Thesis of the Typical [i.e. robotic] I've discussed this with my grandpops at length... the system is simply structured to breed independent learners and thinkers. people who are strong and able to persue something a little beyond... Life, has this inexplainable way of landing us in places we may never have anticipated...but i like to think that that's all part of it... the Grand Master Plan...I had a seminary teacher [who actually became Lubavitch] that once told me [and i qoute verbatim] "Tanya was written for those who do struggle, for those who do question, not the person who easily accepts every word a teacher says." It's not for the 12-step 'land-a-shidduch' people...in life one must never be stagnant, there's no Nirvana [not when you get into the 'best' seminary, not when you land the 'best spouse'] we can choose to ignore who we are and follow the societal code to success, or we can be conscious of who we are and our fall backs and struggle with them for the rest of our lives... a struggle, that only affirms our existence... maybe those who criticize what is essentially themselves reacting to the system, those who struggle to find a place within the community, those young men and women who require just a little longer to find their spiritual niche, are the greatest products of the system [which was never intended to be a production line] maybe they should stop holding themselves as default manufacturing and as embarrassments... if you're thinking, if you're questioning... you're growing and that's the whole point.
okay, i'm out.