III: exploring the rains

i'm sitting here, at my computer which is precariously balanced on my desk, a desk overloaded with random papers, Ceram's archeology book, my broken phone, my american airlines flight information, the Ra"Cha"L's text (i'm researching his response to Gershom Scholem for no reason) the Dr. Oz health book (which i've yet to do anything with- for me just having it is a big deal) a calligraphy set, a quill, stationery, my gloves, my speech and an enterance clip from the morgan library... yet again, the wayfaring stranger feeling has returned. like the times when you stare at your image in the mirror and possess your eyes and see, possess your ears and hear, possess your body and feel, possess your self and be.

Today was a snow day so no Hebrew School sojourn. I'm kinda disappointed cuz i had a smashing lesson planned on magic vs. miracle (in connection with our Moshe/10 plagues lesson)....and i miss my students, who are, like their teacher, a bunch of mexican jumping beans overflowing with innovative questions. it's also pre-speech night, not that its helped much. i'm almost bored of my own material... and i hate public speaking, especially when it's going to be televised for absolutely no reason. i am tempted to get on that stage and make farming noises and scream how ridiculous this whole enterprise seems to be...this preposterous indoor activity, when all i want is to be outside...away...to stop talking...and sit in silence with my own thoughts...to be with my own self.....and just make sense. what that must feel like, i have no idea. i can read. i can argue. i can dismantle papers and catch comma splices...but certain things, well, i am just not naturally gifted to do. in this explorative mode- i think it's an opportune time to mention my third value: exploration.

to me, exploration does not imply outward movement, but rather a path inward, a journey in self. a resolve to explore all that comes within and be unafraid to let it take form, to let it change you. it takes courage to do this, perhaps more than discovering new frontiers. there is nothing quite as enigmatic, nothing we run further from, than being conscious, than empowering our own action, than possessing our own selves.

imho, exploration is a life-long preoccupation...a commitment to the gradual unpackaging of self. it's in that that one discovers the space to become, the impetus to grow, and most importantly, the power to transform. it is the courage to face each new wave of life, each new breathtaking experience and let it happen, to make the choice and let it touch you, seeping into your core o being and let it change you.
that's exploration.

there's still so many things i need to do. i am taking a jack kerouac/ robert prisig adventure one day (i gotta finally see this country like it's meant to be seen.) i still gotta see south america, the buddhas of borobudur, the backwaters of kerala, the pushkar camel fair, bostwana's okavango delta, ipanema beach, hell, the whole damn world. and with that, please gd, myself, too, which never seems to be done.


with that i depart,
and wait.
till tomorrow.
deep breaths.
namastaei.