headlights and moonbeams

oh man i needed this....
air.........uninterrupted, unregurgiated air...............................
just give me a fleece sweater, some miserable weather, a thermos of coffee, and i'm happy...refreshing..... tis the anti-head-noise that makes it blissful.
i never believe in copping out, and i hate most of Freud and psychology in general-
so to address the anonymous poster [not so anonymous] who remarks on my 'going for the gold' and Prince Charming...yes, you can do it all... if you haven't been thusly convinced that you cannot. in fact, this weekend i was walking down some unknown country road... passed a dilapidated ol' building that must have once been somebody's house... with a big wide porch and half hanging shutters.... with a tire swing... a big old clod of deceased life.

we're not here for much time... we have a couple years to live to our maximum capacity...to give , to understand, to make a real difference... why the hell should a person spend most of that time wasting their energy on stupid social stupidities? Why waste your youth, your talents, your glorious glory days as a dim-wit secratary and dressing-shopping all afternoon for some date with some guy for some reason??? people- we're just missing the whole point. you can't understand love, life, being, until you understand yourself. why the fear? become the impossible... do the unreal.... be yourself...and be it all the way.

yes, the 'love of your life' will come when it comes and i believe in that. but i also and equally believe that you should not waste your time nor define yourself by the length and timeliness of that finding. i think you should make yourself happy for your own right, without any man, wihtout any stuff, without anything but your own space and spirit. i think you have to have success as a woman before you can appreciate success wiht a man and an eventual family.

my fingers are freezing from the cold. i have to stop before they fall off. i wish the sky would clear up... the moon out here is not providing much light... still, i'm waiting for dawn.

highways and heartbreaks

i've been angry for the past 6 hours.
not the toes-on-fire sort of angry [i don't get those]... but the latent simmering quiet fury type.
took the test today.
didn't do so great. did average. apparently i've started to take general learning for advantage and was in sore need of a humbling experience or two.... s'okay.
i accept that i don' t need to be the best at everything. particularly vile quantative sections of the Grotesque Repulsive Exam... i refuse to believe that some stupid, money-making, institutionalized, MATH test is going to stop me...

still i wish not everything on this long and ever-curving road of my life, would have to be so damn difficult all the time... like a wise far-but-near friend of mine told me today, when dealing with my apocalyptic dispair- 'then dear lass, you wouldn't be after it, would you?'. in truth... no. i've always been obsinately dumb like that.
all this selfish, self-centered, id ish talk. is making me neausous... there's always Bernice: My NEICE... and an endless amount of other life goodness... on second thought...right now i want to be quietly mad/sad without softening it all with inane vanilla ice cream and elegies to summer nights...
as a courtesy update, the neice is getting cuter and yummier with each passing hour [she's got the trademark humongo almond eyes in blue - which makes her Nana exuberant]. i'm officially supplying the children's library. in fact to further abate post-test depression bought her some of those lovely French styled ones like Madeline and Eloise [impeccable literary taste must be fostered early on;)]
Fall semester starts next week... meaning..........
summers over... not that i have had one [the power of free choice ladies and gent]. not a trip. not a weekend. not an hour without some lingering paper, GRE prep, Greek homework... i need a break. don't have time for oceans and Nova Scotian Gaelic fests... but a little Emmylou on a long trip to nowhere may help.
[guess i'm still reeling over myself]
bonne notte people-

leave a light on.

to marry or to tarry?

been spending the past two weeks cramming my mind with algebraic formulas [that still barely make sense] and memorizing more pages of the dictionary than Johnson must have written... no, I'm not looking for kudos for the efforts, lord knows i've chosen my own path and el doctorre it is [exhausted and still kicking]. there's no where to go but to the finish line... and gold medal at it too.. no point in going to some city university anymore, i'm sick of settling for second-best, if i can make it to the top that's where i'm headed and i plan on enjoying the view immensely.

you can imagine that this attitude is precisely what has the extended family contemplating my single 30th birthday. hardly. but really. what if you are so preoccupied with developing yourself, who you are meant to be, that you just can't commit, that you almost don't want to, because for a brief moment [for once] your attention is focused strictly on yourself and what you have set out to accomplish...
it's thrilling really. brilliant in its execution. there is nothing more exhilirating than knowing you have chosen and been chosen... you can get high on it, revulsive geometry included.

and so the world swirls runs and plunges into hysteria as we approach our daunting 21st birthdays... and still relishing the run while it lasts.
never understood why people worry. you only need one person. at one time. in one place. we are more socially paranoid thas seeking a real life partner. [i abhor the 'best boy myth'] don't people want someone to share in their becoming, and not stunt their pursuits in some evasive social security blanket.... pushut li. i think i'm the only woman in ch who fails to comprehend it all...

if life is meant to be a transformative experience then aren't we compelled to live it to the utmost, whtout the pettiness, without the opacity of unconscious civilities...? aren't we meant to be everything without being stopped? furthermore- with fire-spewing jets at our tailgates championing our cause?
still- it is my profound belief that no way, no path, no choice ever occurs in isolation, no life experiment is ever closed. we make a decision and live with the predicatble consequences [such as being a tad 'out there'] but that by no means defines the consequences.
and so yes.
all the road running
all the life gulping
all the becoming
and to marry or to tarry is left hitchkiking on the wayside...

vagabond blues

can eagerness overwhelm you?

apparently it can.

all the roadrunning...

we have a mini princess

i am officially an aunt.
last night in the wee hour, Adina Leah Krinsky decided to grace us with her initial appearance!
Unfortunately Auntie Hilda attempted to rush to the hospital from a very distant locale [actually got another speeding ticket for doing 90 in a 55 zone], but was denied viewing at 3:46am [but we'll try again today].
Baby Boop is yummy...black hair, blue eyes [that are wide wide wide wide open] she still a little squished looking [but we'll take her].... aahhh! i have a niece!!! with this comes the equal realization that i am living in a senior home with two old grandparents.... its exuberant. mazel tov, mazel tov... to us and all the rest who share in this wonderful, beautiful, pink-laden life adventure...

yodellll lay wee blogeth

thank goodness all my passwords are the same or there'd be no rememberin' this thingy majingy... alright alright i'm updatin' for what purpose i know not... but then again there'll be lots of my not knowin' so this ain't the first.
so where am i these days... uhm... hmm... trying to figure out the difference between the East Side and West Side [it's 5th avenue, not broadway!] this was something i should have learned before i volunteered to be an usher at the second street theater to go see a so-so play... also knee deep in yeats and bialik-land [which is essentially just going in smaller and smaller circles till epinaphous stumble over thesis point]. i am also an official member of the yeats society of new york [i have no idea how that one happened]. just finished 8 week summer session and rejoicing in sleeping until 9am.....in global news... i am in search of a name for the group i'm organizing to go to Africa or Latin America this Janvier with the American Jewish Congress [yes people i actually filled out the paperwork]. ten slots. ten days. it's going to be so wayy awesome [i'm really hopin for Senegal or Uganda... El Salvador would also be cool- Lea- Carmen's mishpacha]. it's nice to have all the friends home even if i barely see them [smoke signal on Carroll Street- gotta plan Rosario's BIG 21- stupeeed girl actually wants a pawtee]... Uhm... so i actually took a job for next year.. assistant director of hebrew school at basking ridge... got a beautiful office [with a huge stash of nosh already selected by Ari Herson himself]... and a new hydrangea for my zen like work space [courtesy of the pops]. i've started learning latin [mostly because i unintentionally stole someone else's book and took it as a sign.... also will be finishing compiling data for the upcoming APA conference looks like i'll i might get a presentation with possible publication [who cares as long as i have something to submit and write on my curriculum vitae]. blah blah ignore the jargonese... overloaded with applications [hopin' for princeton mostly] and in major life avoidance of taking the G-R-E [grotesque repuslive exam] which basically tests how well you remember 5th grade math and if you went to Latin prep...................... and for the last bit of joyous Hindisms..........we await any-day-arrival of first and only and bestest grandchild/neice/nephew............................. i love aunthood. apparently i have a new-found children's book obsession [okay not so new found, but recently at an imflammatory level].
i depart now... life's wonderful... confusing, slightly deranged, ordinarily explosive... but only in between the wonderful-lness... gd bless the Hebrews. despite electric shortages- don't forget to fire-up the fire flies